This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
“Failure is only temporary. Quitting makes it permanent.”
Adding to the quote:
I like to view the word failure as a good thing. Besides what is the word failure? It’s a word, with letters, the meaning you make it is arbitrary and just a lot of thought.
Failure is only temporary because it provides us with valuable lessons and opportunities for growth. It is a stepping stone towards success and should never be seen if everything went as planned. Quitting, on the other hand, is what makes failure permanent. When we give up, we close ourselves off to new possibilities, our world shrinks and rob us of the chance to turn things around.
Success rarely comes overnight. It requires perseverance, resilience, and a willingness to learn from our setback. Giving up is the surest way to paradoxically attract more of what we don't want. By surrendering to defeat, we inadvertently invite more setbacks and disappointments into our lives.
Do you want to be a quitter?
Each setback is an opportunity to reassess, learn, and come back even stronger. It is through overcoming these challenges that we build character, develop new skills, and ultimately achieve the success we desire.
“I give up on Relationships, I have decided to stop pursuing romantic relationships, feeling defeated and emotionally exhausted at the age of 25. My heart can’t take it anymore. No matter what I attempt, it fails to work. I am consistently ignored, stood up, and ghosted. Whether it is in person or online, I am only met with rejection. There must be something inherently wrong with me that prevents me from getting a date. I try to be authentic, but apparently, that is not sufficient. Even when I do manage to secure a date, I am consistently ghosted and stood up. I listen, engage in playful banter, make jokes, and flirt, but none of it seems to matter. I take pride in my fashion choices and maintaining a good appearance. I once believed that having more money would make a difference, but it does not. I have come to accept that I am undesirable and destined to be alone. I used to have hope, but life has extinguished that notion from my heart. I am unsure of what to do now, as I cannot manage without someone's love.”
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
I can sense how heavy all this seems for you.
If you place the desire for someone to love you as a priority, something that's not fully in your control, it will set you up for suffering. This is because relying on external factors, such as the actions and feelings of another fragile human being to determine whether or not you are happy. This is an unstable foundation.
Seeking the validation, support, affection and happiness from anything really externally, and if you're lucky to get it, you'll move towards being fearful of losing it. More suffering.
Mastering your thoughts to work for you rather than against you will set you free.
If we can't control our desires in the end desires have control over you.
Your desires themselves aren't inherently bad. But the excessive attachment to them will definitely lead to imbalance and unhappiness.
We all want to have someone's love, feel important and want to love as well. What else is it you're needing? What's the void you feel?
What if forcing it to happen, wanting it so bad is part of the problem or could land you attached to someone that's not indeed a good fit.
Pursuing vs attracting, what’s going to end up with a better outcome?
You see needy energy can be really confusing for someone else, it can be hard to connect with someone moving at a different pace. The big problem with needy energy is when you feel a sense of having someone, you'll quickly move to fear of losing them, this is usually that controlling energy, not anyone’s intentions it’s just the natural reaction.
The relationship you have with yourself, and life is what sets the foundation to your future relationship.
When you prioritize and meet your own needs, you become less dependent on external validation and the approval of others. This empowers you to create your own happiness and to make choices that align with your values and desires, rather than constantly seeking external validation or approval. It allows you to set healthy boundaries and to make decisions that are in your best interest, rather than sacrificing your own needs and desires in order to gain someone else's love or approval.
If you can be alone, deeply enjoy your own company, you and love life, jump out of bed excited for the day, you're ready for a relationship and in fact will attract someone into your life with the same energy and love of life.
Desiring something really badly can often lead us astray, causing us to be consumed by thoughts of the future rather than fully embracing the present moment. When we become fixated on what we hope to achieve or desire, we inadvertently create a sense of lack within ourselves, which ultimately leads to suffering in the now. Therefore, it is crucial to shift your focus away from this desire and instead prepare yourself for being in a relationship.
By letting go of our attachments to specific outcomes and embracing a mindset of openness and acceptance, you can truly see what needs you might have now that you, yourself can work on.
When we release the need to control and manipulate our circumstances, we open ourselves up to experiencing a deep sense of gratitude for what already exists in our lives. This shift in perspective allows us to also be a healthy partner in a relationship because, guess what, you can't control everything in a relationship either.
Rather than allowing hope and desire to dictate our emotions and experiences, choose to approach life with a sense of curiosity and wonderment.
Preparing yourself for love involves cultivating self-love and self-compassion. When we prioritize our own well-being and embrace our own worthiness, we are better equipped to give and receive love in its purest form.
By practicing self-care and engaging in activities that bring us joy and fulfillment, we become a magnet for love and positive energy.
Choose to shift your focus towards preparing yourself for love.
By embracing the present moment, develop a healthy relationship towards yourself and life, cultivating gratitude, become super curios, and prioritizing self-love, free yourselves from the suffering that stems from unfulfilled expectations.
Ultimately, by prioritizing self-love and understanding that you are deserving of love and happiness, regardless of anyone else's actions or feelings, you can free yourself from the suffering that comes from seeking external validation. You can cultivate a deep sense of self-worth and fulfillment, leading to a more authentic and joyful life. So, let go of the need for someone else to love you and focus on loving yourself. Your happiness and well-being are worth it.