This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “What do you desire? What if you were to let that go?”
I might add that when we desire something externally it can have this story attached to it it that “I will be happy when.. I have it” and that’s not true.
"My co-workers exclude me. I'm currently on a business trip with about 12 co-workers. They all know me pretty well. They know I'm outdoorsy and like to explore local cuisine. Yet, they'll make plans in front of me for going out to eat without inviting me. It hurts.
And yes, sometimes I'll ask if I can join or I'll invite them to whatever I have in mind, but they usually snub my invites or try to make themselves less available to me joining them.
I feel so alone and unwanted. I just want to explore like they do. I'm pretty good at doing my own thing, but that's out of necessity. I don't have the option of having people to hang out with. How do I fit in with my co-workers?”
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it sounds tough. We spend a lot of time at our jobs and we certainly want to fit in and feel heard.
I get the sense you feel lonely, misunderstood, different, confused, and as you’d stated, alone, unwanted, and this is the worst feeling. Let’s see if I can offer some ideas on how to fit in.
Since we aren’t in a coaching conversation I am limited to what you’ve provided. I am super curious what thoughts you’re having while in situations where your co-workers are around. You see the feelings of alone, unwanted isn’t coming from them. It’s not possible for their actions, words, mannerisms and behaviors to create these feelings in you. I know, often it seems that way.
What I also know is that while coaching I work with my clients in the scope of what’s in their control.
So your question of: "How do I fit in with my co-workers", isn’t in your control, exactly. What would be a coachable question is having the question be in reference to only what is in your control and that’s your thoughts, feelings and actions.
By the question being presented the way it is, and the misunderstanding where your feelings come from these two dynamics can create a whole lot of confusion and honestly painful suffering in life. Both are giving your power away to things externally. Where else in your life are you doing this?
I am curious, how do you want to feel?
You see our energy enters a room before we physically do. People tend to want to be around like or similar energy.
If your thoughts are coming from lonely, unwanted, left out, alone, sad, and hurt energy your body language, facial expressions, posture, eye contact and demeaner will reflect these thoughts.
What if you were to shift your thoughts to that in which you desire?
We can agree that lonely, unwanted, left out, alone, sad, and hurt energy is closed off, and not inviting right?
What if you wanted to feel: open, curious, adventurous, approachable, fun, kind, lighthearted, eager, hopeful, wanted, important, heard.....
What's the body language of that energy?
Likely....bright eyed, happy, positive, optimistic, and inviting right?
When we ruminate, wallow in our thoughts we tend to put off energy that can repel people or attract people of like or similar energy.
How we view ourselves is what we attract into our life.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to [email protected] please include:
A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.