This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “Anxiety and distress occur when we try to control things that are outside our power.”
Adding to the quote. What if you were to let go of thinking about the future, what if you allow it to unfold as it may? What if by attempting to make it a certain way is what loads up expectations, and ruins today?
“Going on a date with someone who's too pretty for me. I'm really bad at dating. I've had a few, so I'm getting better at it but I still don't feel like I'm ready for this, and I'm scared it won't work out this time because I'm a little more invested than previous dates.
She is way too pretty for me. I mean in the past I used only good pictures of myself so I understand why someone would match with me. I also understand how they might be disappointed when they see me in person, which is why I changed to more natural/worse photos of myself. It's really puzzling that she'd match with me of all people lol.
Anyway, how do I not mess this up? I understand like "show genuine interest," "ask her questions," but I feel like these are baseline requirements for a date. How do I make her interested in me enough to want to go out again, especially when she can get with someone much more attractive than me?”
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
Did you know that excited and nervous feel the same?
It sounds like you’re wanting to put your best foot forward.
First what if we put aside "I'm really bad at dating"?
Any I AM statements are declarations, statements, beliefs, stories we believe about ourself. These type of statements feed our "mind" with self fulfilling prophecies, and in short your brain will find proof that this is valid. Further creating an identity.
When we create a declaration we take ownership of that statement. Our “mind” clings to it and searches for proof that we are that. Limiting us dramatically.
What would be revealed if you were to distance yourself from the label? Instead of referring to them in ownership terms?
Our words have a GIANT effect on our experience of life and our actions. When we say them, believe in them, and make them part of who we are, it's harder to see how they affect us.
By letting go of claiming words as ours, owning it, we can better explore their meaning and possible outcomes. Not owning words helps us see things more objectively and avoid biases and limitations that come from being too attached to our words.
Instead of getting stuck in a pattern where our words create our reality, we become more aware of how language is powerful. We start to gather proof that we are NOT the label, we are something much greater.
Stepping away from the label or declaration also invites curiosity and exploration. We no longer feel the need to defend or justify our words, but rather, we can approach them with a sense of wonder, curiosity and inquiry.
What will we uncover when we detach ourselves from the ownership of certain language?
When we choose to not use labels, prescribe to a way of being and ownership terms, we give ourselves room to grow and change. We can go beyond our old identities and be open to new opportunities. Our words can then be used to connect, understand, and transform instead of limiting us.
Think about it, do you know someone that by your perception, you believe does dating well? Do they blurt out things that devalue themself in the dating landscape or do they say confident maybe even arrogant statements that indicate they are confident, strong, capable, brave, and fearless? Sure they do..and their actions follow.
Who are you at your core?
What identity do you want to have in the dating arena?
What do you value?
Values are usually illusive to most people, so I like to ask my clients what their favorite animal is and why, the answer often, get’s the ball rolling in figuring out what some of their values are.
Example: If they state Dogs are their favorite animal, they are kind, unconditional loving, supportive, happy, curious, the companionship they offer is the greatest, their willingness to forgive and be there not matter what. If your answer to that question is this, I would say you value: kindness, unconditional love, being supportive/serving, being happy/probably like to offer it to others too, curiosity, companionship is important, and forgiving. Being the flavor of the answer involved connection, that would also be probably important as well.
Next, HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?
Pretty sure you don't want to feel not good enough, inferior, scared, timid, worried, anxious, small, critical, or judgmental, right?
The submission certainly gave me a good idea how you feel now and when we focus in on how we don’t want to feel we can’t see what else there is to offer.
So HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?
Its so easy to articulate how you don't want to feel for you're rooted in it, been living your life from fear for most if not your whole life, so it's time to rewire your brain and command your "mind" to work for you rather than against you. When working with new clients their automatic thoughts are often seated in their left brain, what I call survival mode, and super duper common.
Your question is how not to mess this up. I know you're searching for me to answer ways to be, what to do, questions to ask, things to do, how to behave but that's not genuine, authentic and would come off as not real and she will pick up on it and feel "no connection". My answers would be telling you more information, and it’s my genuineness, my way of doing things and will come off clunky and like you’re wearing a mask.
You have the answers within you.
The answers are covered up by loads of left brain thinking. Fear burdened thinking. We don’t find answers by thinking harder or searching for answers externally from others.
The answers lie in who you really are at your core. I work with a lot of people that are nonconscious at the start of working with them. What this means is they are reacting to external people, place, things and circumstances, instead of being a humanBEING. Being you. Being more aware, more in the moment focusing on what you want, how you want to feel in each moment is were the answers are.
When you realize who you are, create a sense of safety to your mind and nervous system all the excess thinking falls away. Answers won’t be in all the excess thinking, overthinking, dwelling, ruminating, labeling yourself, criticizing yourself, judging yourself, and connect with your true essence, you'll connect with another humanBEING, by just BEING YOU.
Giving you things to do and say is more information, you don't need more information you need to clear your mind of excessing thinking and deeply connect to HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL.
So, how do you want to feel?
IF your answers were to be... at peace, calm, secure, capable, strong, funny, proud, affectionate, kind, caring, a good listener, safe, light, free, optimistic, spontaneous, excited...
What would that look like?
The answer to your question is inside of you. People connect with people that are raw, real, imperfect, genuine AND have the other person feel heard, seen and important.
So what's your answer to: HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to [email protected] please include:
A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.