"I was completely excluded from a girls' weekend.”

By Katherine Hood on May 21, 2024


Submitted Request..

This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.

Podcast version: HERE

Quote: “The actions of others are not a reflection of you, but rather of themselves.”

Adding to the quote:

Each individual's reality is shaped by their unique perspective, judgements, views, assumptions, thoughts, stories, beliefs, and experiences. It is important to recognize that when we internalize and personalize the words or actions of others, we are giving them control over our emotions and well-being. In a way we become a slave to external people, places, things, situations and circumstances. We become lost, and life is now happening TO YOU not for you.

Our mind, our ego or saboteurs create meaning that is well meaning, however it’s the cause of our suffering.

Submitted Question

“Friends of over 20 years old who I thought were my tribe, completely excluded me from a girls' weekend. Not one invite, one text, or call, etc. I saw it all go down on social media. (It has nothing to do with being sober, by the way.) My heart was broken, and I cried most of the weekend. I so wanted to drink seriously for the first time since stopping. But I did NOT drink. How do I get over this and move on?”

My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.

Great job in staying on course and honoring your sobriety!

This situation is a great example of how seductive thoughts can be and can quickly whisk us away into a fairytale land of misery.

Notice how you reacted when you believed the thoughts that surfaced when you saw your friends on social media.

Aside from what you’re thinking and believing, are you ok now and looking back over the weekend? Are you safe? Are you in a good place? (your brain and nervous system need reassured)

Jumping to an assumption here, of course you are! Our imagination, the images of the past, future and what meaning we place on what we see as a result of what posts you saw on social media is what created the thought storms and as a result tears, and feeling isolated and lonely.

Be aware of who you became as a result of the thoughts that you paid attention to.

  • Who or what would you become if you saw the thoughts for what they really are?

You see, thoughts are there to protect and serve us from danger. Our prehistoric brain can’t tell the difference between being rejected from a tribe that we depend on for our life from being excluded from a night out partying.

By understanding that what others say or do is a reflection of their own reality, rather than a commentary on who we are as individuals, we can free ourselves from the burden of seeking validation or approval from external sources. Embracing this mindset allows us to cultivate a sense of inner peace and empowerment, as we no longer rely on the opinions or actions of others to define our worth. Ultimately, by letting go of the need to take things personally, we liberate ourselves from the chains of seeking external validation and instead find true freedom in embracing our authentic selves.

It's truly commendable how you have managed to navigate through what must have been a challenging journey.

Your resilience and strength are truly inspiring, to those around you. It's clear that you have the ability to overcome obstacles and face difficult situations head-on. Keep up the amazing work and continue to stay strong in your commitment to sobriety. Your determination and dedication are truly admirable. Remember, you are capable of achieving anything you set your mind to. Keep pushing forward and never give up on yourself. You've got this!

Today is the beginning of a new chapter.

What would you name this chapter in the book of your life?

This is where you'll start to search for people of the same energy and interest. Doesn't mean these individuals aren't your friends, or they are wrong or bad.

As you begin your search for individuals with similar energy and interests, you will discover that these new connections do not diminish the friendships you already have. This is a time to get to know yourself better and try new hobbies. You can also start doing things you used to enjoy but stopped doing. Along the way, you will encounter like-minded individuals who share your interests, same emotional energy, leading to the formation of meaningful friendships based on shared goals and aspirations beyond simply socializing or drinking.

While your current friends likely have good intentions and respect your sobriety, it is common for our minds to focus on the negatives and feelings of abandonment. It is important to recognize that these feelings are often a result of our brain's protective mechanisms, working hard to keep us safe by creating stories and perceptions that may not always be accurate. This is proof that our human brain loves to play tricks on us and see the negatives over the positives, for it's trying to protect us by working super hard and making up stories. Feeling different and abandoned is the worst feeling that cuts deep.

If this is a new chapter in your life, what would the title be? How do you want to feel? What's this new chapter going to teach you and what will you learn?

I wish you all the best. 

Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!

If you want to send a question, please send to [email protected] please include: 

  • A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)

  • And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it. 

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