This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “Anxiety and distress occur when we try to control things that are outside our power.”
"It's just feels like I'm always brining myself down, I just have hard time believing in myself. I don't think I've achieved anything in my life. Always being harsh and putting myself down because of constant doubts that runs in my mind. Anything I want to try doing, immediately I just come to the outcome or having the worst case scenario. It just feels really overwhelming. I'm realizing now that I'm just basically failing in every aspects of life. I'm 26 like I have a whole life ahead of me. If I just give up now and not push myself, then what am I even doing. I see so many young people than me working hard and hustling. And they at least have goals to work on. Maybe it's finishing college or working full time or starting a business. I'm just stuck in one place for many years now. Time just goes by, but it feels like I'm not even growing or changing. This actions seems to be effecting my confidence, the way I view life, and I'm failing. I don't even understand how to overcome my problems because I'm so confused like what's going on. How do you stop bringing yourself down?”
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, as it can be challenging, discouraging, lonely, and tiring.
Your worthiness is yours to declare, define, cultivate and no one can take it away, it's internal.
Where does any feelings come from?
Happiness comes from within our THOUGHTS first, then our FEELINGS(inside).
Does finding a door ding in your brand-new car have the power to inject feelings of anger and annoyed into you?
Does going to your favorite drive through, getting home and noticing you got the wrong order inject feelings of disappointment, frustration, annoyance, into you?
Does getting a large, unexpected bill in the mail inject feelings of stress, dread, or make you upset?
Your feelings come from your judgements, your thoughts, no where else.
When we Live from the Inside Out, we live from a sense of our own worthiness and a clear sense of our own chosen purpose. When we live our life from the foundation of HOW WE WANT TO FEEL, and not believe feelings come from external things we take our power back and we are living life from our own unique values, principles, beliefs, morals, and meaning. As a result, we feel fully capable of living out our purpose in the world. Because when we have a strong sense of confidence and clarity, we attract others with whom we can share life’s adventures that match the same energy.
Wanting to achieve more in life is believing that, shift your thoughts to empower the feelings that set your heart and soul on fire to take action.
This submission states very clearly your thoughts for a long time have been in a pattern, a rut, a cycle of thinking the same way and in some way it’s serving you. Your brain see’s it as protecting you from pain. Perhaps protecting you from being hurt, heart break, losing a job, being rejected, losing everything.. It could be a million different things. Often it’s witnessing someone growing up suffering because they put themself out there. We now live in a world that we are bombarded with so much information and most of it’s negative we gather proof that by taking a risk and going outside your comfort zone is dangerous, well if that’s what we consume and see everywhere your brain will certainly do it’s very best to protect you and build up walls, create a thick shell around you all a metaphor but it’s clear to me in your submission that your thinking is generating your feelings and the actions naturally follow.
Think about it, any human being when they feel, down, low, doesn’t believe in themself, feels worthless, criticizes self, puts themself down constantly, doubts themselves, seeing the worst in everything, judging self, comparing yourself to others, seeing yourself as a failure, and feeling lost and confused, what’s the action that will follow?
No action right?
Deeper darker feelings will follow.
Your brain is designed to keep you alive, it’s doing it’s job. It’s purpose is not to make you a success, or generate happiness.
We all know someone, an in-law, coworker or acquaintance who creates an overly pessimistic view of the world and wholeheartedly believes it's the world (outside factors) creating their misfortune, at the mercy of their life's circumstances(victim mode)... finger pointing, blaming people, places, things, their situation, other situations or circumstances for their place in life. Is that empowering? What energy does that create?
Somewhere some how they learned and they believe that connecting with others is a competition of who has it the worst off. All this is, is a habit of thought. It serves them in some way.
Whereas to those of us that have an inside out way of thinking are more often positive, appreciative and grateful. Focused on self. Living from the inside out, not in a selfish way in fact, it’s the opposite.
"What do I want?"
“How does this serve me?”
“What will I Iearn from taking this risk?’
“How will this challenge me?”
“What opportunities will open up for me as a result of going outside my comfort zone?”
This makes for a better, happier, more fulfilled mother/father, wife/husband, friend, employee/boss etc.
My favorite question:
“How do I want to feel?”
You see in your submission there’s nothing, zero about how you want to feel. And this is normal, typical of new clients I work with. They are living in their survival brain. They are left brain dominate. It’s not your fault and perhaps you’ve only lived in this hemisphere for years, decades, perhaps your entire life. Perhaps conditioned, live with or around people that are also pessimistic, negative and likely turned into media that has you believing that everyone has it easy.
Our environment, what we consume, what we come in contact with daily has a GREAT impact on our thoughts.
This time we are in people are wanting more comfort, things to be easy, paradoxically they are more miserable mentally and emotionally.
So how do you want to feel?
Can you articulate it so well I can envision you like in a movie living life fully?
Doing this you see is accessing your right brain your creative mind.
Becoming proficient of asking this question to your self multiple times a day and articulating exactly how you want to feel with positive motivational words that light your heart on fire, then taking action you’re re-wiring your brain and nervous system to be in alignment with your goals, your purpose, your meaning, what will provide you with fulfillment, joy and happiness.
Living life from the inside out.
Taking notice of the things that you are consuming and in contact with daily, reflecting if they serve you or don’t. The people, places, things, situations, and circumstances that don’t must go. And I have had many clients, pick up roots and move to get themselves in a space that fosters the life of their dreams. Is that easy. No, but you don’t grow when you’re comfortable.
Build up access to your right, creative mind by accessing it multiple times a day, find fun unique ways to challenge your mind, thoughts and feelings to quickly answer HOW DO I WANT TO FEEL in many different ways and situations, so when the bigger things happen, you’re prepared, you’ve rehearsed it, practice it so it becomes natural, familiar and feels good to take action from the energy behind your words. The “What” to do become obvious from the answers.
Your brain will resist this at the start just like breaking any habit. That’s the fun part. See it as fun, exciting, and being up for the challenge is what will make is easier.
Your brain will move you towards what feels good and familiar so practice, repetition, and consistency is what will generate the familiarity, your thoughts are what will make it feel good, your beliefs and you have that power, you have to believe it.
In final, reference the quote at the beginning “Anxiety and distress occur when we try to control things that are outside our power.” What’s within your power and control? Your own thoughts, feelings and actions, stay in this lane and create the life by the way you want to feel.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to [email protected] please include:
A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.